Hello everyone! Today I'm here to discuss a topic that many people have likely encountered as they explore the various seedy underbellies of the internet fandoms: fanfiction. Now sit down class it's time for me to enlighten the primitive minds of those who haven't the faintest clue what I'm talking about! Fanfiction is basically a fictional story written by someone who is a fan of something. Now, no that doesn't mean everything is fanfiction, a fanfiction takes place specifically in the world or universe of that thing they are a fan of. For instance a Star Trek fanfic would be a fictional story written by someone who is a fan of Star Trek and takes place in the universe of Star Trek.
Unfortunately, while some fanfics can be truly excellent, such as Fallout Equestria, there are far, far more that simply suck. They can suck for many reasons, a common one is the grammar, I don't know why but countless fanfic writers seem to lack even the most basic understanding of English grammar. Now, I know I have problems with commas, semi-colons, and actual colons, but those are minor things that don't really detract from the reading. Then there are people who completely mispell common words, who misspell the names of the characters they're writing about! (Spok, spoc, Kik, etc.) This part baffles me, because it's pretty easy to spell check.
However, even worse than bad grammar, as atrocious and insulting as something like that is, even worse than that is bad character design. The more common method is people just not being able to grasp how the characters of the universe they're writing in act. You have the original characters like Q, or Frodo, or Rainbow Dash acting in ways that they never would in the actual shows, movies, books, etc. However, the writers don't realize that because they don't know how that character acts. Which makes me wonder, why they'd bother including them in a story!
Yet, there is something worse than making characters act against their nature, the inserting of OCs, or Original Characters. These are characters the author of the fanfic came up with themself and have never been in the actual show, movie, etc. Sometimes these aren't so bad, they can be well characterized and imagined. They have traits, quirks, flaws and the like. They can actually contribute to the story without overshadowing the actual main characters of the show. However, once again these kinds of well developed characters are sadly in the minority. More common are Mary Sue's or Gary Stu's.
For those that don't know a Mary Sue is the same as a Gary Stu, only a Mary is a female version and Gary is male. Now, the actual names of the Mary/Gary varies with the author. However, it refers not to the character name but the character traits. It's a term used for OC's that are just horribly made. A good example is Lord of the Rings fanfic. There was a reason the fellowship was only nine, it had symbolism with the story. However, very few fanfic writers realized that and shoehorned there own character into the story, and made the fellowship ten, crushing the symbolism!
A few more examples from Lord of the Rings fanfiction: the daugher of Galadriel who was sent to the future to work at a K-mart and walks through the forests singing Nickelback...WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! How does that make ANY sense? She was the daughter of one of the biggest elves and was somehow sent to OUR future and worked at K-mart. You can see how it just goes absolutely nuts, they didn't even bother trying to follow the rules of Lord of the Rings, they just added whatever kind of insane magic they wanted to have whatever character they wanted.
Alright...for those still reading, thank you. I know this has been one of my more rantier rants, and hasn't had much of a point so far. In fact, it could be used as a perfect example of preaching to the choir. However, now I'm going to bring in my point and hammer it into the corpses of all Mary/Gary Sue/Stu's. I'm going to make a list that EVERY fanfic writer needs to follow to make everything better.
First off, use fucking spell check. It's not that hard, most computers have a word program and pretty much all those word programs let you...can you guess...SPELL CHECK!! Second, research the universe you're writing in. If you want to have something interesting about your OC fine, but make sure it would actually work in that universe! Third, step back and take a good look at your OC, do they overshadow the main characters? If yes, FUCKING FIX IT! If no, then carry on. That's it, three simple steps that will make your fanfiction easier on the eyes, brain, and sensibilities. That's all you have to do, so please just do it.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The fiasco that is regenerating health
You know, I don't think I agree with Yahtzee enough. I've mentioned that I adore him, but the only post that directly involves him involves me completely picking his argument apart with the seasoned practice of a complete nerd who knows more about his chosen fandom than any sane person ever should. Well today I'm going to fix that by making a post that agrees almost entirely with one of Yahtzee's other points, regenerating health can go fuck itself.
Now, it's that time of the post again, where I explain to the ignorant, either because they don't play video games or could give a fuck about the shooter genre altogether, the deal with regenerating health. In the good old days of Quake, Doom, and Wolfenstein a person had two meters indicating how fucked they were. Their health and armour. Your armour was your damage resistance when you took a hit, your armour would go down some to reduce the damage to your health. Now, not all games had armour but a fair few did.
Now, these two "how fucked are you?" meters added an excellent level of depth, strategy, and tension to the game. For example, Doom 64 for the Nintendo 64. That game still manages to scare me, and it's all thanks to the you're fucked meter. When my you're fucked meter got really low the game suddenly became incredibly tense. I'd creep around corners and slam both barrels of my super shotgun into the air at the slightest sign of movement. It was very tense and very effective, you know why? I couldn't just huddle in a corner for a few seconds and then carry on like absolutely nothing had happened.
Let's take a look at the cover-based shooters, usually in the third person these ones seem like the obvious choice for defending the regenerating health right? You take cover and your health returns, gives players an incentive to take cover, right? Actually...no. The regenerating health just makes the cover a gimmick. For example, in Gears of War you have a chainsaw bayonet, and since the you're fucked meter replenishes itself why stay away? You can just rush up there and storm through the hail of shells, slam your chainsaw into their face and then take cover. Lo and behold your health comes back, punishing you not in the slightest for what would, in a game with a non-regenerating you're fucked meter, be a really stupid move.
Think about that, the regenerating health means you only need to take cover when you feel like it. After all, why bother worrying about it? I'll just pop into cover when my health meter goes low and then pop right back up again. Here's a situation where non-regen health meters would excel the most. With no guarantee of where the next health kit would be you'd have to take cover, and every time you popped up to take a few pops at the enemy you risked having a lasting, and serious, consequence to your you're fucked meter. A consequence that you might not be able to afford. It would make cover-based shooting all kinds of tense and exciting, exactly what it's not.
However, I don't think regenerating health has absolutely no place in the shooter genre. It's an excellent option for say, the pussy difficulty. Meaning the very easy's, the novice's, and the like. It's perfect for those players who just aren't skilled, brave, or tough enough to take on the real challenge, with a you're fucked meter that doesn't replenish itself. So, all in all, regenerating health ain't that bad, if you're a pussy.
Now, it's that time of the post again, where I explain to the ignorant, either because they don't play video games or could give a fuck about the shooter genre altogether, the deal with regenerating health. In the good old days of Quake, Doom, and Wolfenstein a person had two meters indicating how fucked they were. Their health and armour. Your armour was your damage resistance when you took a hit, your armour would go down some to reduce the damage to your health. Now, not all games had armour but a fair few did.
Now, these two "how fucked are you?" meters added an excellent level of depth, strategy, and tension to the game. For example, Doom 64 for the Nintendo 64. That game still manages to scare me, and it's all thanks to the you're fucked meter. When my you're fucked meter got really low the game suddenly became incredibly tense. I'd creep around corners and slam both barrels of my super shotgun into the air at the slightest sign of movement. It was very tense and very effective, you know why? I couldn't just huddle in a corner for a few seconds and then carry on like absolutely nothing had happened.
Let's take a look at the cover-based shooters, usually in the third person these ones seem like the obvious choice for defending the regenerating health right? You take cover and your health returns, gives players an incentive to take cover, right? Actually...no. The regenerating health just makes the cover a gimmick. For example, in Gears of War you have a chainsaw bayonet, and since the you're fucked meter replenishes itself why stay away? You can just rush up there and storm through the hail of shells, slam your chainsaw into their face and then take cover. Lo and behold your health comes back, punishing you not in the slightest for what would, in a game with a non-regenerating you're fucked meter, be a really stupid move.
Think about that, the regenerating health means you only need to take cover when you feel like it. After all, why bother worrying about it? I'll just pop into cover when my health meter goes low and then pop right back up again. Here's a situation where non-regen health meters would excel the most. With no guarantee of where the next health kit would be you'd have to take cover, and every time you popped up to take a few pops at the enemy you risked having a lasting, and serious, consequence to your you're fucked meter. A consequence that you might not be able to afford. It would make cover-based shooting all kinds of tense and exciting, exactly what it's not.
However, I don't think regenerating health has absolutely no place in the shooter genre. It's an excellent option for say, the pussy difficulty. Meaning the very easy's, the novice's, and the like. It's perfect for those players who just aren't skilled, brave, or tough enough to take on the real challenge, with a you're fucked meter that doesn't replenish itself. So, all in all, regenerating health ain't that bad, if you're a pussy.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Twilight Explained
Hello everybody, today I'm going to be beating a dead horse. That's right, I'm going over that brutally bludgeoned focus of many a person's hatred, Twilight. Now, don't get me wrong, it is a bad series but I'm not just going to chop it into pieces and burn the remains. No, every rant must make some kind of point, must provide something useful, otherwise its just a boring, long-winded preach to the choir. No, what I am here to do, is explain just why Twilight is so popular.
"What's this? Explain why Twilight is so popular? Surely you jest, its a completely unfathomable mystery, there is no explanation!"
Ah good sir, you would just so happen to be very, very wrong. Everything has an explanation, you just have to figure out what it is. Now, I have read the books, I always believe in keeping an informed argument, and I found them mediocre. They were poorly written, but not terribly written and I probably would have been kinder to them had they not turned vampires into fairies. No, I am not referring to fairies as in homosexual, I'm refering to fairies as in Tinkerbell.
Now, its time for a bit of backstory, I'd long had a theory about why Twilight was so popular. It started after I read them several years ago, but I wasn't able to obtain proof until more recently. Let me tell you about my cousin. She is awesome, the sister I wish I had instead of, well, the one I got. I've always liked hanging with her, she likes video games, she likes watching me play them. When I visited her recently you know what she wanted me to play? Fucking Dead Rising, she wanted to watch me play a video game where I go apeshit on a bunch of walking dead with giant stuffed teddy bears and katanas. My cousin is a cool freaking person.
However, a few years ago I stumbled into my aunt's home to witness a horrible sight. Twilight posters, Twilight posters everywhere! My Aunt and cousin were reading the books and loving them! My life had been stripped of all that was good and wholesome! Then I wound up moving away for unrelated reasons. When I came back a year or two later I was amazed to see not a trace of Twilight anywhere. My cousin, who had previously never really read anything had started reading more, spurred on by that damnable work of literature, Twilight.
Before then she was just one of the many girls and boys you have to suffer through in your High School classes. Come now, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The numberless legions of kids who take centuries to read a block of text that you could read in all of five seconds. Now, who were the big screaming fangirls? Why, screaming teenage fangirls and those insufferable twenty to thirty adults who were the same in school. Basically, people who had never really bothered reading anything before. Can you see where I'm going with this? I sure hope so.
Want to know what the Twilight books reminded me of? Goosebumps. When I was much younger, around Second Grade to Third Grade, I loved those old books. Admittedly only about two actually scared me but they were entertaining. Then I grew older and read new and better books like the works of Stephen King and Robert Jordan. Thus, did Goosebumps lose its appeal, its simplistic writing styles and relatively poor pacing just weren't as good. That's how I saw Twilight, a book designed for older audiences, but with the writing style of Elementary Schooler's first book.
My cousin is proof, Twilight got her to read more because it now seemed like a genuinely entertaining medium. She started reading bigger and better books. Perhaps one day she decided to reread Twilight and those new, better books removed the mist from her eyes. She'd become a true reader and could now recognize how shallow and poorly written Twilight was. That's the explanation. Twilight was so successful because all those screaming fangirls had never bothered to actually read. Thus when one, poorly written but easily understood, book came along with all the romance and hot pretty boys that teenage girls love, they fell easy prey to its rather pathetic charms.
Now, I know there were probably a few people who read a lot and still liked those books. I know because back when my life was a screaming nightmare I didn't care how bad a video game was as long as it would take me away from this "real world" to somewhere better for a short while. However, these people are the rarity, they are not the common. I know, I've never had low standards when it comes to books, despite my tolerance of bad video games. However, some are going to ask, "Well why hasn't Twilight died down yet if all these girls are now getting into reading?" The answer, they're not. My cousin was able to take Twilight and use it as a springboard into something much greater. All these screaming teenagers just won't, and why? The movies of course, they don't need to read more because they've got movies. Also, they could easily be going, "Oh my gosh Twilight is so good! Maybe I should read other books too! Nah, that's stupid no book could possibly compare to Twilight!"
Now, everyone should easily be able to see those screaming fangirls shouting that, so everyone should be doing a good old fashioned facepalm. I don't like it, but its the truth. Now that is the end, my personal theory on how Twilight ever managed to get so popular. I hope you enjoy it.
"What's this? Explain why Twilight is so popular? Surely you jest, its a completely unfathomable mystery, there is no explanation!"
Ah good sir, you would just so happen to be very, very wrong. Everything has an explanation, you just have to figure out what it is. Now, I have read the books, I always believe in keeping an informed argument, and I found them mediocre. They were poorly written, but not terribly written and I probably would have been kinder to them had they not turned vampires into fairies. No, I am not referring to fairies as in homosexual, I'm refering to fairies as in Tinkerbell.
Now, its time for a bit of backstory, I'd long had a theory about why Twilight was so popular. It started after I read them several years ago, but I wasn't able to obtain proof until more recently. Let me tell you about my cousin. She is awesome, the sister I wish I had instead of, well, the one I got. I've always liked hanging with her, she likes video games, she likes watching me play them. When I visited her recently you know what she wanted me to play? Fucking Dead Rising, she wanted to watch me play a video game where I go apeshit on a bunch of walking dead with giant stuffed teddy bears and katanas. My cousin is a cool freaking person.
However, a few years ago I stumbled into my aunt's home to witness a horrible sight. Twilight posters, Twilight posters everywhere! My Aunt and cousin were reading the books and loving them! My life had been stripped of all that was good and wholesome! Then I wound up moving away for unrelated reasons. When I came back a year or two later I was amazed to see not a trace of Twilight anywhere. My cousin, who had previously never really read anything had started reading more, spurred on by that damnable work of literature, Twilight.
Before then she was just one of the many girls and boys you have to suffer through in your High School classes. Come now, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The numberless legions of kids who take centuries to read a block of text that you could read in all of five seconds. Now, who were the big screaming fangirls? Why, screaming teenage fangirls and those insufferable twenty to thirty adults who were the same in school. Basically, people who had never really bothered reading anything before. Can you see where I'm going with this? I sure hope so.
Want to know what the Twilight books reminded me of? Goosebumps. When I was much younger, around Second Grade to Third Grade, I loved those old books. Admittedly only about two actually scared me but they were entertaining. Then I grew older and read new and better books like the works of Stephen King and Robert Jordan. Thus, did Goosebumps lose its appeal, its simplistic writing styles and relatively poor pacing just weren't as good. That's how I saw Twilight, a book designed for older audiences, but with the writing style of Elementary Schooler's first book.
My cousin is proof, Twilight got her to read more because it now seemed like a genuinely entertaining medium. She started reading bigger and better books. Perhaps one day she decided to reread Twilight and those new, better books removed the mist from her eyes. She'd become a true reader and could now recognize how shallow and poorly written Twilight was. That's the explanation. Twilight was so successful because all those screaming fangirls had never bothered to actually read. Thus when one, poorly written but easily understood, book came along with all the romance and hot pretty boys that teenage girls love, they fell easy prey to its rather pathetic charms.
Now, I know there were probably a few people who read a lot and still liked those books. I know because back when my life was a screaming nightmare I didn't care how bad a video game was as long as it would take me away from this "real world" to somewhere better for a short while. However, these people are the rarity, they are not the common. I know, I've never had low standards when it comes to books, despite my tolerance of bad video games. However, some are going to ask, "Well why hasn't Twilight died down yet if all these girls are now getting into reading?" The answer, they're not. My cousin was able to take Twilight and use it as a springboard into something much greater. All these screaming teenagers just won't, and why? The movies of course, they don't need to read more because they've got movies. Also, they could easily be going, "Oh my gosh Twilight is so good! Maybe I should read other books too! Nah, that's stupid no book could possibly compare to Twilight!"
Now, everyone should easily be able to see those screaming fangirls shouting that, so everyone should be doing a good old fashioned facepalm. I don't like it, but its the truth. Now that is the end, my personal theory on how Twilight ever managed to get so popular. I hope you enjoy it.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The importance of the AI
Hello, sorry for being gone so long but I was experimenting. No, not with drugs, with something far more dangerous...audio. However, such experiments came to naught, so those who don't want to read and just listen to my voice serenade them to lands of anger, hatred, or agreement must wait awhile longer.
Now, here's a question class, what does AI stand for? No Mr. Racist it doesn't stand for Angry Indian. Sorry Mr. Alien-conspiracy, it doesn't stand for Alien Igloos. Uh...no crazy person, it doesn't mean Automatic Iguana either. Ah, there we go Ms. Gamer, it stands for Artificial Intelligence. Now calm down all you sci-fi nerds, I'm not talking about a fully sentient computer that wants to kill us all and use the corpses in a puppet show. No I'm referring to that essential part of video game code that tells the NPC's (Non-Player Characters) what to do. When the AI is done well you shouldn't even notice it. Enemies should take cover and shoot at your ass, monsters should try to chow down, allies should come over to heal you and throw grenades at bitches, everything that you're not controlling should function perfectly.
However, at times the AI doesn't work right. Sometimes it fails horribly. An enemy will see you, toss away their gun, draw a knife and run screaming towards you across an open field of one hundred meters screaming bloody murder. That's not good AI, you know what else isn't good AI? Programming the multiple characters the player controls to just stand there scratching their ass as the enemy chops them into Salami.
That last reference was a poke at a classic game called "Icewind Dale." This game is a classic RPG for the computer. It has buckets of customization, multiple classes and you can even multi-class a character. Several races, and if you really wanted to you can, quite literally, write an entire novella of backstory write in the character creation area. Its a pretty big game with a colorful variety of enemies, items, equipment, and characters. By all accounts it is one of the great games of the good old days...but I can't play it. You know why? The AI of your six clueless fucks, not the enemies, just your guys, is shot all to hell.
Let me explain, say you rest to recover your health. While your resting a pack of angry rabid wolves with rocket launchers ambushes your party! Oh know, they immediately start attacking you but what do your guys and gals do? Sit there and pick their noses as the wolves chew on their limbs. They won't start attacking until you tell them to attack. Now, don't even try to put up that speech about, "Well its not an RTS its an RPG and blah-de-blah blah blah." No, that doesn't apply. You know why? It has a button that lets you turn player AI on. Meaning it does use RTS style controls, and it still does this. It has no pardon, and that just breaks the game for me. I can't stand playing a game where if I forget to pay attention to one guy, they won't even have the decency to wail on the dragon with a bit of twig, they'll just stand there and get roasted.
So, I have no other problems with the game, I don't mind the graphics, the story is great, the enemies are fine, the equipment is good, everything is fine. Except for that fucking AI!! Now, AI won't always break the game, in an RTS(Real-Time Strategy) it will make or break it, no exceptions. However, in other games, where you only have to worry about yourself, or one or two others, or those others aren't that important, its not that big a deal. For instance there are shooters where you can summon allies and they will all walk single-file off the same ledge and die. Doesn't break the game because you can get along without them. Still, it makes the game annoying (and rather hilarious) when it shouldn't have that one annoyance.
So to wrap this thing up, AI is important. Just how important varies with the type of game, but for us strategy lovers, whether we be hardcore fans of Starcraft or the infinitely superior players of Dawn of War, AI is essential to a good gaming experience.
Now, here's a question class, what does AI stand for? No Mr. Racist it doesn't stand for Angry Indian. Sorry Mr. Alien-conspiracy, it doesn't stand for Alien Igloos. Uh...no crazy person, it doesn't mean Automatic Iguana either. Ah, there we go Ms. Gamer, it stands for Artificial Intelligence. Now calm down all you sci-fi nerds, I'm not talking about a fully sentient computer that wants to kill us all and use the corpses in a puppet show. No I'm referring to that essential part of video game code that tells the NPC's (Non-Player Characters) what to do. When the AI is done well you shouldn't even notice it. Enemies should take cover and shoot at your ass, monsters should try to chow down, allies should come over to heal you and throw grenades at bitches, everything that you're not controlling should function perfectly.
However, at times the AI doesn't work right. Sometimes it fails horribly. An enemy will see you, toss away their gun, draw a knife and run screaming towards you across an open field of one hundred meters screaming bloody murder. That's not good AI, you know what else isn't good AI? Programming the multiple characters the player controls to just stand there scratching their ass as the enemy chops them into Salami.
That last reference was a poke at a classic game called "Icewind Dale." This game is a classic RPG for the computer. It has buckets of customization, multiple classes and you can even multi-class a character. Several races, and if you really wanted to you can, quite literally, write an entire novella of backstory write in the character creation area. Its a pretty big game with a colorful variety of enemies, items, equipment, and characters. By all accounts it is one of the great games of the good old days...but I can't play it. You know why? The AI of your six clueless fucks, not the enemies, just your guys, is shot all to hell.
Let me explain, say you rest to recover your health. While your resting a pack of angry rabid wolves with rocket launchers ambushes your party! Oh know, they immediately start attacking you but what do your guys and gals do? Sit there and pick their noses as the wolves chew on their limbs. They won't start attacking until you tell them to attack. Now, don't even try to put up that speech about, "Well its not an RTS its an RPG and blah-de-blah blah blah." No, that doesn't apply. You know why? It has a button that lets you turn player AI on. Meaning it does use RTS style controls, and it still does this. It has no pardon, and that just breaks the game for me. I can't stand playing a game where if I forget to pay attention to one guy, they won't even have the decency to wail on the dragon with a bit of twig, they'll just stand there and get roasted.
So, I have no other problems with the game, I don't mind the graphics, the story is great, the enemies are fine, the equipment is good, everything is fine. Except for that fucking AI!! Now, AI won't always break the game, in an RTS(Real-Time Strategy) it will make or break it, no exceptions. However, in other games, where you only have to worry about yourself, or one or two others, or those others aren't that important, its not that big a deal. For instance there are shooters where you can summon allies and they will all walk single-file off the same ledge and die. Doesn't break the game because you can get along without them. Still, it makes the game annoying (and rather hilarious) when it shouldn't have that one annoyance.
So to wrap this thing up, AI is important. Just how important varies with the type of game, but for us strategy lovers, whether we be hardcore fans of Starcraft or the infinitely superior players of Dawn of War, AI is essential to a good gaming experience.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Why I hate Starcraft aka Why Dawn of War Kicks Ass
Hey now, put the torches down, there's no need to burn my house down just yet. Yes I know that as far as most RTS players are concerned I just uttered a heresy right up there with spreading the glories of Tzeentch on an Imperial shrine world but let me explain. First off, I understand why Starcraft is popular and enjoyed by other people, and it was actually the first RTS I ever played and got me into the genre. So, why would I say I hate it? Well, its just that I can't stand the gameplay, mainly because of my favorite game of all time, Dawn of War 2, and its accompanying expansions Chaos Rising and Retribution.
For those of you who don't know, either because they could care less about this tactical rubbish, or because they've had their heads stuck firmly in the sand, allow me to explain. Dawn of War is an RTS series that takes place in that most wonderful of worlds, Warhammer 40k. The first game wasn't that different from most RTS', you build buildings to advance your tech tree and get the really tasty units out there to blow stuff up. However, it did something that few other games did, or did well. Squad-based combat. Meaning that when you build a unit that unit is one full squad and not just one marine picking his nose, instead you get four marines picking their noses!
Now, I'm fairly certain there might have been a few other games, but none that took it to the degree that Dawn of War did. In Dawn of War you could increase the total number of soldiers in the squad, after they'd been built. So you had a squad of Fire Warriors and they were under fire? Heh, click the squad and reinforce them with a few more warriors, increase their damage output. For that matter for most of the races, virtually every unit, whether infantry, hero, or vehicle had at least one special ability that could rearrange the odds. This meant that in a battle you always had some option you could take, using your current forces that could turn the tide in your favor. So long as you were smart and knew how to use these abilities.
Lets check in with Starcraft, which did none of that. No matter what kind of unit you built, whether it was a giant space cruiser or one tiny little marine picking his nose, you only ever built one. Back then it didn't bother me because I was a naive youngster who couldn't even beat the fourth level of the Terran campaign without cheats. However, Dawn of War and my addiction to logic opened my eyes. With vehicles having just the one is okay, but what kind of stupid military power would send just one marine into the thick of things? Every military group, even the really old blokes with equipment made of bronze sent their forces out in squads. However, it was probably easier to program it that way and there might have been a lot of difficulties, same with the only being able to select twelve at a time. So I tend to let that part slide.
However, remember that little bit I mentioned about the abilities? Well in Starcraft they decided that they'd give all the useful abilities to one or two units per faction, and then give a few more abilities that did either fuck all or actually hurt you. Case in point, the stimpack for the marines and firebats. Now, all of you Starcraft experts better not come whinin' about how the stimpack is useful you just have to use it right. I say, its useless. whatever benefits it gives you in attack are ruined by the fact that it damages your goddamned unit. I hated the thing, I like units that can dish out a lot of damage and take a lot as well. Generally a unit that hurts itself to do the former does not qualify.
Even with those two units I might have forgiven the game, but those two units abilites are completely dependent upon the situation. If you're fighting the Zerg or the Terran you're observatory's EMP burst does fuck all. Irradiate? Pointless as all hell. The Ghost's Lockdown? Supremely overpowered against Terran or Protoss. Actually just the protoss, since if you're playing the Terrans there's no point in building anything but Marines, Marines, and medics if you have the expansion or sequel. Whenever I play the Terrans, no matter how fancy I try to be, it all comes down to if I made enough marines, because if you don't have enough then it doesn't matter how awesome your other units are, they're FUCKED!!
Lets compare that to the Imperial Guard from Dawn of War. In that faction if you build just your Guardsmen, provided you're enemy's not a complete idiot, you're FUCKED!! While playing as the Space Marines vehicles are merely a form of interesting support, but can still be used to dominate if you don't want to focus on infantry. Oh, by the way did I mention that Dawn of War, at its height had seven factions? I would like to count the two in Soulstorm, but the Dark Eldar sucked, and the Sisters of Battle were weak Space Marines with some crazy abilities. See, each of those seven factions were unique, requiring completely different playstyles and tactics. Assuming of course you weren't fighting a complete idiot.
In Starcraft you could easily get away with building just marines, just hydralisks, or just dragoons, provided you built faster than your opponent. Flash to Dawn of War, where I can break the teeth of any assault with a smaller number of units as long as I use them intelligently. Heck, in Dark Crusade, later in the game your opponents would have to separate computer AI's, meaning two separate armies with their own resources and population caps. Also, yes I know Starcraft did that same damn thing, but here's the thing. Except when playing as the Eldar, who are supposed to be rigid and not very flexible in unit roles, no matter what your army was. If things turned tits up because it wasn't quite designed in the manner needed to crush your enemy, you could change that same army, without having to build a new one from scratch.
Flash back to Starcraft and what you see is there is no customization between units. Every marine, every siege tank, every goliath, is identical. If you built an army specializing in anti-air and your enemy army is largely ground based, you're FUCKED! If you build an army covering all the bases, but your enemy focused solely on one area, making a third or more of your army useless you're FUCKED! And the only way to fix it is to go back and build an entirely new army, from the ground up. That was my biggest problem, the fact that in Dawn of War I could always use my current army to win, no matter the circumstances as long as I played smart. While in Starcraft if your army was just a teensy bit off, it was going to be completely slaughtered with no chance at victory.
That's the key thing, its called micromanagement. Specifically of your units. In Starcraft all you could do was tweak your base, pump out a certain number of dudes X and Y and hope you had the right ratio of dude X to dude Y to counter and destroy your enemies ratio of dude X to Y with no real way to alter the battle except to build more. While in Dawn of War the ratio was only mildly important and then it became a matter of how you used and upgraded each specific dude X and Y. So, in conclusion Dawn of War is just all around better than Starcraft. Also Starcraft 2 didn't seem to fix any of the problems that I had. So no, Starcraft 2 isn't all that better. Although, I did like Warcraft.
For those of you who don't know, either because they could care less about this tactical rubbish, or because they've had their heads stuck firmly in the sand, allow me to explain. Dawn of War is an RTS series that takes place in that most wonderful of worlds, Warhammer 40k. The first game wasn't that different from most RTS', you build buildings to advance your tech tree and get the really tasty units out there to blow stuff up. However, it did something that few other games did, or did well. Squad-based combat. Meaning that when you build a unit that unit is one full squad and not just one marine picking his nose, instead you get four marines picking their noses!
Now, I'm fairly certain there might have been a few other games, but none that took it to the degree that Dawn of War did. In Dawn of War you could increase the total number of soldiers in the squad, after they'd been built. So you had a squad of Fire Warriors and they were under fire? Heh, click the squad and reinforce them with a few more warriors, increase their damage output. For that matter for most of the races, virtually every unit, whether infantry, hero, or vehicle had at least one special ability that could rearrange the odds. This meant that in a battle you always had some option you could take, using your current forces that could turn the tide in your favor. So long as you were smart and knew how to use these abilities.
Lets check in with Starcraft, which did none of that. No matter what kind of unit you built, whether it was a giant space cruiser or one tiny little marine picking his nose, you only ever built one. Back then it didn't bother me because I was a naive youngster who couldn't even beat the fourth level of the Terran campaign without cheats. However, Dawn of War and my addiction to logic opened my eyes. With vehicles having just the one is okay, but what kind of stupid military power would send just one marine into the thick of things? Every military group, even the really old blokes with equipment made of bronze sent their forces out in squads. However, it was probably easier to program it that way and there might have been a lot of difficulties, same with the only being able to select twelve at a time. So I tend to let that part slide.
However, remember that little bit I mentioned about the abilities? Well in Starcraft they decided that they'd give all the useful abilities to one or two units per faction, and then give a few more abilities that did either fuck all or actually hurt you. Case in point, the stimpack for the marines and firebats. Now, all of you Starcraft experts better not come whinin' about how the stimpack is useful you just have to use it right. I say, its useless. whatever benefits it gives you in attack are ruined by the fact that it damages your goddamned unit. I hated the thing, I like units that can dish out a lot of damage and take a lot as well. Generally a unit that hurts itself to do the former does not qualify.
Even with those two units I might have forgiven the game, but those two units abilites are completely dependent upon the situation. If you're fighting the Zerg or the Terran you're observatory's EMP burst does fuck all. Irradiate? Pointless as all hell. The Ghost's Lockdown? Supremely overpowered against Terran or Protoss. Actually just the protoss, since if you're playing the Terrans there's no point in building anything but Marines, Marines, and medics if you have the expansion or sequel. Whenever I play the Terrans, no matter how fancy I try to be, it all comes down to if I made enough marines, because if you don't have enough then it doesn't matter how awesome your other units are, they're FUCKED!!
Lets compare that to the Imperial Guard from Dawn of War. In that faction if you build just your Guardsmen, provided you're enemy's not a complete idiot, you're FUCKED!! While playing as the Space Marines vehicles are merely a form of interesting support, but can still be used to dominate if you don't want to focus on infantry. Oh, by the way did I mention that Dawn of War, at its height had seven factions? I would like to count the two in Soulstorm, but the Dark Eldar sucked, and the Sisters of Battle were weak Space Marines with some crazy abilities. See, each of those seven factions were unique, requiring completely different playstyles and tactics. Assuming of course you weren't fighting a complete idiot.
In Starcraft you could easily get away with building just marines, just hydralisks, or just dragoons, provided you built faster than your opponent. Flash to Dawn of War, where I can break the teeth of any assault with a smaller number of units as long as I use them intelligently. Heck, in Dark Crusade, later in the game your opponents would have to separate computer AI's, meaning two separate armies with their own resources and population caps. Also, yes I know Starcraft did that same damn thing, but here's the thing. Except when playing as the Eldar, who are supposed to be rigid and not very flexible in unit roles, no matter what your army was. If things turned tits up because it wasn't quite designed in the manner needed to crush your enemy, you could change that same army, without having to build a new one from scratch.
Flash back to Starcraft and what you see is there is no customization between units. Every marine, every siege tank, every goliath, is identical. If you built an army specializing in anti-air and your enemy army is largely ground based, you're FUCKED! If you build an army covering all the bases, but your enemy focused solely on one area, making a third or more of your army useless you're FUCKED! And the only way to fix it is to go back and build an entirely new army, from the ground up. That was my biggest problem, the fact that in Dawn of War I could always use my current army to win, no matter the circumstances as long as I played smart. While in Starcraft if your army was just a teensy bit off, it was going to be completely slaughtered with no chance at victory.
That's the key thing, its called micromanagement. Specifically of your units. In Starcraft all you could do was tweak your base, pump out a certain number of dudes X and Y and hope you had the right ratio of dude X to dude Y to counter and destroy your enemies ratio of dude X to Y with no real way to alter the battle except to build more. While in Dawn of War the ratio was only mildly important and then it became a matter of how you used and upgraded each specific dude X and Y. So, in conclusion Dawn of War is just all around better than Starcraft. Also Starcraft 2 didn't seem to fix any of the problems that I had. So no, Starcraft 2 isn't all that better. Although, I did like Warcraft.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Defending the 41st millenium!
I'm here to defend my most beloved sci-fi universe from that most despicable of critics. Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw. For those of you that don't know, Yahztee is a game reviewer, he reviews video games. However, he rarely reviews things such as sports games, driving games, and real time strategy. The latter of which I love with a burning fiery passion. Now, those of you who watch his video show Zero Punctuation are no doubt confused. Sure he's made a few subtle remarks concerning fans of 40k but never actually outright stated his hatred for it...right?
Wrong sir, very, very wrong! Understandably wrong, but not reasonably wrong. Yahtzee has a written article on the Escapist's website in addition to his videos. This is naturally called "Extra Punctuation." In one of the articles he states exactly why he hates Warhammer 40k, and when I read this I smacked my gob and went,
"OHMYGOODNESSALLTHESEERRORSAREEASILYCORRECTEDASLONGASYOUKNOWTHEBACKSTORY!!!" And promptly went about burning down his house. Just kidding, I have no way of getting to Australia.
Now, I'll put a link to the article at the end of this post, but for now its time for a point by point dismantling of Yahtzee's argument.
"Right from the word go: "In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war," it declares. There can't "only" be war, don't be stupid. People would have to stop and go to the lavatory at some point. And I've said before that no authority would seriously pursue a supersoldier project when it's infinitely cheaper and more practical to just put normal people in vehicles or powered armor who could then get out of the vehicle or powered armor and go study to become an accountant or something.."
Alright, I have to concede, the "there is only war" line is a bit far-fetched. Even if you're well versed you know that its not war all the time. There's a good deal of time spent getting to the wars. However, the idea of no authority would spend the time making super-soldiers is one I've heard from him before and even agree with to a certain extent. I agree that weaker normal humans would be foolish to make supersoldiers. However, the creator of the Space Marines, the Emperor, was the biggest, baddest, and strongest motherfucker in the galaxy. The space marines were created using DNA from the Primarchs who were created from the DNA of the Emperor. Thus, for once Yahtzee's supersoldier argument is wrong, if only because the creator of the Space Marines is an even bigger and stronger supersoldier.
"You know what Warhammer 40K is? It's the product of a generation that has never known any kind of real conflict or struggle. No-one in the trenches of the Somme would pass their time imagining something even worse. No-one talks about the "glory of battle" when they're trying to sleep through a shelling raid with a bad case of trench foot. But that's the whole "Space Marine" thing, from what I can gather, a bunch of people who've based this mad space religion on how many twats they've chainsawed in half."
Okay, again I have to agree with Yahtzee on the first part. I really doubt that the people involved in coming up with this idea ever actually went through a real war. However, this argument is again full of a lot of holes from not knowing the backstory. The Imperial Guard? You know, the normal, puny little humans armored with cardboard and given flashlights for weapons? They don't go on about the glory of battle. The Commisars do, but they're supposed to make sure the Guardsmen stays on that line and keeps shooting until he's dead or the enemy's dead. The normal Guardsmen would never prattle on about the glory of battle...but Space Marines aren't normal humans. They've been enhanced both physically and psychologically to be the best they can be. Their very minds have been trained to view battle as glorious and honorable, and that's easy to do when your opponents have to bring out a tank just to take down one of you.
That's really it for Yahtzee's argument, and despite the threat to burn down his house, I don't blame him for not knowing any better. If I were to ever meet Yahtzee, assuming I don't spontneously combust with excitement, I wouldn't start prattling on about how he's wrong, and Warhammer 40k is great once you know the backstory. No, I'd probably gush a hell of a lot, try to get his autograph and then run screaming with mad glee.
The thing is, unlike other fans of pretty much anything, I don't turn into a raving psychotic because someone doesn't share my opinion about a series. Unlike other RTS fans I don't get bent out of shape when Yahtzee never reviews the bloody things, because I understand that he doesn't really like them and wouldn't know what to make of one if he ever did play it. Thus, I'm not going to try and shove Warhammer 40k down Yahtzee's throat for two reasons: First I'd probably fail miserably and second the very concept of it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. The very idea of Warhammer 40k just doesn't sit well with him, so its highly unlikely that he'd ever enjoy it no matter how much backstory I crammed into his mind.
So for all you raving lunatics who will defend, literally, with tooth and nail, your favorite things. Please, calm down and shut the fuck up. Not everyone has to share your opinion.
Oh, and here's the link to Yahtzee's article:
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/columns/extra-punctuation/9153-Hating-Warhammer-40k-and-Space-Marine
Wrong sir, very, very wrong! Understandably wrong, but not reasonably wrong. Yahtzee has a written article on the Escapist's website in addition to his videos. This is naturally called "Extra Punctuation." In one of the articles he states exactly why he hates Warhammer 40k, and when I read this I smacked my gob and went,
"OHMYGOODNESSALLTHESEERRORSAREEASILYCORRECTEDASLONGASYOUKNOWTHEBACKSTORY!!!" And promptly went about burning down his house. Just kidding, I have no way of getting to Australia.
Now, I'll put a link to the article at the end of this post, but for now its time for a point by point dismantling of Yahtzee's argument.
"Right from the word go: "In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war," it declares. There can't "only" be war, don't be stupid. People would have to stop and go to the lavatory at some point. And I've said before that no authority would seriously pursue a supersoldier project when it's infinitely cheaper and more practical to just put normal people in vehicles or powered armor who could then get out of the vehicle or powered armor and go study to become an accountant or something.."
Alright, I have to concede, the "there is only war" line is a bit far-fetched. Even if you're well versed you know that its not war all the time. There's a good deal of time spent getting to the wars. However, the idea of no authority would spend the time making super-soldiers is one I've heard from him before and even agree with to a certain extent. I agree that weaker normal humans would be foolish to make supersoldiers. However, the creator of the Space Marines, the Emperor, was the biggest, baddest, and strongest motherfucker in the galaxy. The space marines were created using DNA from the Primarchs who were created from the DNA of the Emperor. Thus, for once Yahtzee's supersoldier argument is wrong, if only because the creator of the Space Marines is an even bigger and stronger supersoldier.
"You know what Warhammer 40K is? It's the product of a generation that has never known any kind of real conflict or struggle. No-one in the trenches of the Somme would pass their time imagining something even worse. No-one talks about the "glory of battle" when they're trying to sleep through a shelling raid with a bad case of trench foot. But that's the whole "Space Marine" thing, from what I can gather, a bunch of people who've based this mad space religion on how many twats they've chainsawed in half."
Okay, again I have to agree with Yahtzee on the first part. I really doubt that the people involved in coming up with this idea ever actually went through a real war. However, this argument is again full of a lot of holes from not knowing the backstory. The Imperial Guard? You know, the normal, puny little humans armored with cardboard and given flashlights for weapons? They don't go on about the glory of battle. The Commisars do, but they're supposed to make sure the Guardsmen stays on that line and keeps shooting until he's dead or the enemy's dead. The normal Guardsmen would never prattle on about the glory of battle...but Space Marines aren't normal humans. They've been enhanced both physically and psychologically to be the best they can be. Their very minds have been trained to view battle as glorious and honorable, and that's easy to do when your opponents have to bring out a tank just to take down one of you.
That's really it for Yahtzee's argument, and despite the threat to burn down his house, I don't blame him for not knowing any better. If I were to ever meet Yahtzee, assuming I don't spontneously combust with excitement, I wouldn't start prattling on about how he's wrong, and Warhammer 40k is great once you know the backstory. No, I'd probably gush a hell of a lot, try to get his autograph and then run screaming with mad glee.
The thing is, unlike other fans of pretty much anything, I don't turn into a raving psychotic because someone doesn't share my opinion about a series. Unlike other RTS fans I don't get bent out of shape when Yahtzee never reviews the bloody things, because I understand that he doesn't really like them and wouldn't know what to make of one if he ever did play it. Thus, I'm not going to try and shove Warhammer 40k down Yahtzee's throat for two reasons: First I'd probably fail miserably and second the very concept of it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. The very idea of Warhammer 40k just doesn't sit well with him, so its highly unlikely that he'd ever enjoy it no matter how much backstory I crammed into his mind.
So for all you raving lunatics who will defend, literally, with tooth and nail, your favorite things. Please, calm down and shut the fuck up. Not everyone has to share your opinion.
Oh, and here's the link to Yahtzee's article:
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/columns/extra-punctuation/9153-Hating-Warhammer-40k-and-Space-Marine
Greetings, Salutations, and bacon!
Ah bacon, such a lovely meat, greater than porkchops, pork, sir loin, or savory Salisbury steak. Truly what else could man require but bacon? Fried on a griddle, fried in a pan, cooked in the microwave and held in the hand. Put it on a donut, or cover it in chocolate, truly it is the greatest of foods!
Too bad that's not really what this little message is about. This is me saying hello to every last one of you. I give fond greetings to my fellow bloggers, to the trolls, and the internet users who are so bored they are randomly perusing the blogs. Now, many people make blogs for various reasons. They use it as a porno site, a dating site, a social networking, and a site to air their own pompous and self-righteous opinions. I'm here to do that last option, but hopefully without the pompous part.
I am a man of simple tastes, I can honestly enjoy just about everything, regardless of what it is. For instance, my two favorite fictional universes in the whole wide multiverse of fiction are: Warhammer 40k, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. For those of you going, "Oh god, a brony blog? Really?!" Relax, maybe ten percent of my posts will be about that. I won't refrain from mentioning it, but that's because it has a plethora of excellent animation, story, and character designs that can be expertly used to demonstrate how to do something right.
Now then, to the meat of the matter. Just what kind of pompous, self-righteous opinions shall I be trying to forcefully shove down your throat? Well, that varies. At times I'll do reviews, of books, movies, and TV shows, other times I'll do profound discussions of politics, common sense, and the common cold. At others I'll do a little post explaining how haters are wrong, or my personal feelings on a topic or franchise altogether.
In other words you can expect a big bag of various multi-colored goodies. All brimming with my compelling narrative writing style. I truly hope you enjoy my blog, even if you disagree with every single damn thing I say.
Too bad that's not really what this little message is about. This is me saying hello to every last one of you. I give fond greetings to my fellow bloggers, to the trolls, and the internet users who are so bored they are randomly perusing the blogs. Now, many people make blogs for various reasons. They use it as a porno site, a dating site, a social networking, and a site to air their own pompous and self-righteous opinions. I'm here to do that last option, but hopefully without the pompous part.
I am a man of simple tastes, I can honestly enjoy just about everything, regardless of what it is. For instance, my two favorite fictional universes in the whole wide multiverse of fiction are: Warhammer 40k, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. For those of you going, "Oh god, a brony blog? Really?!" Relax, maybe ten percent of my posts will be about that. I won't refrain from mentioning it, but that's because it has a plethora of excellent animation, story, and character designs that can be expertly used to demonstrate how to do something right.
Now then, to the meat of the matter. Just what kind of pompous, self-righteous opinions shall I be trying to forcefully shove down your throat? Well, that varies. At times I'll do reviews, of books, movies, and TV shows, other times I'll do profound discussions of politics, common sense, and the common cold. At others I'll do a little post explaining how haters are wrong, or my personal feelings on a topic or franchise altogether.
In other words you can expect a big bag of various multi-colored goodies. All brimming with my compelling narrative writing style. I truly hope you enjoy my blog, even if you disagree with every single damn thing I say.
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